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okay. so i NEVER post here anymore. so fucking what. so i don't even check this thing anymore, but i need to vent. and you simply cannot vent on myspace.
that picture up there. that's bullshit. they all are. because my boyfriend-excuse me, my ex-boyfriend turned puritan, and i'm a sinner. that pisses me off.
before i met him, he was a loser. drinking every day. smoking pot. partying constantly. no ambition. only fucking girls when he's too drunk to realize he's not attracted to them. living in his cousin's loft. sleeping on the floor.
i picked him up, and i put him back together. i gave him the desire for accomplishment. he couldn't afford an apartment on his own so we moved in together. and got furniture. and had a life. and a cat. and had all the sins with it. premarital sex. oh my fucking god. at least we were sober. committed (i thought?). loved each other (i thought?).
and on a totally off side-note, friends are bullshit.
i didn't know when i met him that he was christian. i had no idea that he believed in creationism. he never made a huge deal of religion. it didn't even come up. when i found out, it was too late. i loved him. or at least cared about him. whatever. and it's something i never wanted to talk about because i knew we could never agree. it's just unfathomable to me. how do you even...you know...how do you believe that complete and utter bullshit? it's fucking fairy tales for adults. SO LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT IT. but then the last six months, he starts going to church every sunday. they talk about sin. premarital sex. masturbation. living the life of a good, god-fearing christian. and i once asked him if he thought i was going to hell. well, in so many words, he did. what a loving guy, right? i went to church with him. i took one look at their program and thought to myself, "what church needs a 6 million dollar budget?" this is ridiculous. this is a glorified cult. take me to a church i'm not snoozing in. where i might even be inspired at least as far as common morals. it's a money machine. it's not faith. you don't need a huge church with an elaborate baptism pool in a fucking balcony and flat screens everywhere. that's not faith. it's vanity. it's blasphemous. if there is a god and jesus wasn't crazy, this is not what they meant.
but how could i love someone who constantly made racist comments but "wasn't racist" and believed that gay people were gay because they weren't raised right or they wanted attention? how could i love someone who believed that humans walked with dinosaurs and that people used to live to be 800 years old and that eve was literally created of adam's rib? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. but i did. and i do. AND I'M SO FUCKING MAD.
i was good enough when everybody else gave up on him and dismissed him as a drunk. a loser. but now that he's "on track," why am i so fucking disposable? how does a person wake up one day and decide they don't love someone else anymore? but more to the point, if they don't love someone, why don't they say so? why do they shit on them for months? why do they let the other try and fix and fix and beg and try to comprehend when they know it's not fixable?
i just...i feel so bad. i feel like a fool. how come if he contradicted everything that i believed in, if the only values we shared were common morals, how could i love him so much? and when he decided to touch base again with his religious beliefs, how could he love me so little? how could he wake up one day and not love me at all?
how could he expect for us to be friends and just...not have the feelings that i have? like there's something wrong with me? i know there's nothing wrong with me. there's something wrong with the person who'd rather go fishing than visit your grandmother with you after you've just found out she has cancer. that they don't want to be there with you. for you. help you. comfort you.
THERE'S NOTHING FUCKING WRONG WITH ME. you're the fucked up insensitive prick asshole piece of shit liar. you are cold. and you are a liar. and as much as i love you, I FUCKING HATE YOU.
that picture up there. that's bullshit. they all are. because my boyfriend-excuse me, my ex-boyfriend turned puritan, and i'm a sinner. that pisses me off.
before i met him, he was a loser. drinking every day. smoking pot. partying constantly. no ambition. only fucking girls when he's too drunk to realize he's not attracted to them. living in his cousin's loft. sleeping on the floor.
i picked him up, and i put him back together. i gave him the desire for accomplishment. he couldn't afford an apartment on his own so we moved in together. and got furniture. and had a life. and a cat. and had all the sins with it. premarital sex. oh my fucking god. at least we were sober. committed (i thought?). loved each other (i thought?).
and on a totally off side-note, friends are bullshit.
i didn't know when i met him that he was christian. i had no idea that he believed in creationism. he never made a huge deal of religion. it didn't even come up. when i found out, it was too late. i loved him. or at least cared about him. whatever. and it's something i never wanted to talk about because i knew we could never agree. it's just unfathomable to me. how do you even...you know...how do you believe that complete and utter bullshit? it's fucking fairy tales for adults. SO LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT IT. but then the last six months, he starts going to church every sunday. they talk about sin. premarital sex. masturbation. living the life of a good, god-fearing christian. and i once asked him if he thought i was going to hell. well, in so many words, he did. what a loving guy, right? i went to church with him. i took one look at their program and thought to myself, "what church needs a 6 million dollar budget?" this is ridiculous. this is a glorified cult. take me to a church i'm not snoozing in. where i might even be inspired at least as far as common morals. it's a money machine. it's not faith. you don't need a huge church with an elaborate baptism pool in a fucking balcony and flat screens everywhere. that's not faith. it's vanity. it's blasphemous. if there is a god and jesus wasn't crazy, this is not what they meant.
but how could i love someone who constantly made racist comments but "wasn't racist" and believed that gay people were gay because they weren't raised right or they wanted attention? how could i love someone who believed that humans walked with dinosaurs and that people used to live to be 800 years old and that eve was literally created of adam's rib? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. but i did. and i do. AND I'M SO FUCKING MAD.
i was good enough when everybody else gave up on him and dismissed him as a drunk. a loser. but now that he's "on track," why am i so fucking disposable? how does a person wake up one day and decide they don't love someone else anymore? but more to the point, if they don't love someone, why don't they say so? why do they shit on them for months? why do they let the other try and fix and fix and beg and try to comprehend when they know it's not fixable?
i just...i feel so bad. i feel like a fool. how come if he contradicted everything that i believed in, if the only values we shared were common morals, how could i love him so much? and when he decided to touch base again with his religious beliefs, how could he love me so little? how could he wake up one day and not love me at all?
how could he expect for us to be friends and just...not have the feelings that i have? like there's something wrong with me? i know there's nothing wrong with me. there's something wrong with the person who'd rather go fishing than visit your grandmother with you after you've just found out she has cancer. that they don't want to be there with you. for you. help you. comfort you.
THERE'S NOTHING FUCKING WRONG WITH ME. you're the fucked up insensitive prick asshole piece of shit liar. you are cold. and you are a liar. and as much as i love you, I FUCKING HATE YOU.